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Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.