“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
New mindset, who dis?
My therapist after every session
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
My dream job is getting paid to dream
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while