Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
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help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know