@gabbazaba

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

@gabbazaba

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

@gabbazaba

i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself

@gabbazaba

the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”

@gabbazaba

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

@gabbazaba

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

@gabbazaba

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

@gabbazaba

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

@gabbazaba

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

@gabbazaba

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy