[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
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BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer