“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
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My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes