Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
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Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
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My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”