Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
You Might Also Like
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
the three branches of government
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat