If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
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*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball: