(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
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The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
He’s cranky this morning
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke