Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
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911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Grandmother clock.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Quadruple digit IQ
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with