So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
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Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.