Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
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who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.