[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
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Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I’m about to risk it all
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Awwwww shit.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.