me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
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Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…