Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
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The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
what is cheese if not milk persevering