[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
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sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.