@garrettbarry70

[Christmas shopping]

Me. “I need to get some wrapping paper, shall we split up?”

Her. “Ok but I’m keeping the house”

@garrettbarry70

My wife complains that my socks are too big for her but she doesn’t care that her bra pinches my back.

@garrettbarry70

Staying at my daughter’s place again this weekend. Can’t wait till 3am so I can wake her to tell her there’s a moth in my room.

@garrettbarry70

Wish I had the confidence of a small child having a meltdown at the shopping mall.

@garrettbarry70

Accidentally changed neighbor to neighbour and now I’m saying stuff like “bloody hell” and “brilliant”

@garrettbarry70

I have a CW who can’t input data into a spreadsheet without whispering each number so don’t tell me about your day.

@garrettbarry70

Me. *Throws coat over a puddle*

Her. “WTF are you doing with my coat?”