Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters
@garrettbarry70 : [Christmas shopping]
Me. "I need to get some wrapping paper, shall we split up?"
Her. "Ok but I'm keeping the house"
@garrettbarry70: My wife complains that my socks are too big for her but she doesn't care that her bra pinches my back.
@garrettbarry70: More bad news.
Apparently there is a thing called a wine stopper.
@garrettbarry70: Staying at my daughter's place again this weekend. Can't wait till 3am so I can wake her to tell her there's a moth in my room.
@garrettbarry70: Wish I had the confidence of a small child having a meltdown at the shopping mall.
@garrettbarry70: Accidentally changed neighbor to neighbour and now I'm saying stuff like "bloody hell" and "brilliant"
@garrettbarry70: I have a CW who can't input data into a spreadsheet without whispering each number so don't tell me about your day.
@garrettbarry70: Me. *Throws coat over a puddle*
Her. "WTF are you doing with my coat?"
@garrettbarry70: My arms sometimes get tired during sex and I drop my phone on my face.
@garrettbarry70: Can't sleep knowing there's a Toblerone in the mini bar.