Me. “I need to get some wrapping paper, shall we split up?”
Her. “Ok but I’m keeping the house”
My wife complains that my socks are too big for her but she doesn’t care that her bra pinches my back.
More bad news.
Apparently there is a thing called a wine stopper.
Staying at my daughter’s place again this weekend. Can’t wait till 3am so I can wake her to tell her there’s a moth in my room.
Wish I had the confidence of a small child having a meltdown at the shopping mall.
Accidentally changed neighbor to neighbour and now I’m saying stuff like “bloody hell” and “brilliant”
I have a CW who can’t input data into a spreadsheet without whispering each number so don’t tell me about your day.
Me. *Throws coat over a puddle*
Her. “WTF are you doing with my coat?”
My arms sometimes get tired during sex and I drop my phone on my face.
Can’t sleep knowing there’s a Toblerone in the mini bar.