1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
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I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.