I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
You Might Also Like
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.