I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
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My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”