12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
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Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU