Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
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*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
awkward
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.