you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
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Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.