@gavinpivott

The detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.

@gavinpivott

WHY HAS THE COST OF BALLOONS INCREASED OVER THE LAST 50 YEARS??

INFLATION!

@gavinpivott

I was in a flash mob once. We’d mainly just hold people at gunpoint until they updated their Adobe.

@gavinpivott

“I put my gear back in fourth.” – Willow Smith learning to drive, maybe.

@gavinpivott

My new year’s resolution is to be more grammary and stop making up words.

@gavinpivott

My step-dad’s pretty cool. Not as cool as my fence-dad, though. Roof-dad is okay. What is a father?

@gavinpivott

A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.

@gavinpivott

I scratch your back, you scratch mine. We die from loss of blood.