Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
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Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.