Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@geekysteven

I don’t know if what I saw silently stalking me in the woods was really Krampus or just another demonic goat creature, but I’m definitely in the holiday spirit now.

@geekysteven

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

@geekysteven

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

@geekysteven

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

@geekysteven

Not to flex on time travelers, but I *always* know what year it is and where my timeline went horribly wrong

@geekysteven

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

@geekysteven

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

@geekysteven

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

@geekysteven

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!