I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
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Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.