Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
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*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.