Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
You Might Also Like
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single