If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
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*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Happy Thanksgiving
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
oppen heimer style lol
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Last-minute gift idea!
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia