I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
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Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
greetings!
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.