i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
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a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.