The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
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My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
It be like that sometimes 😆
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money