Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
You Might Also Like
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.