(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.