@geowizzacist

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

@geowizzacist

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

@geowizzacist

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

@geowizzacist

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

@geowizzacist

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

@geowizzacist

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

@geowizzacist

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

@geowizzacist

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

@geowizzacist

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.