House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
c) eleven fell over
My 3yo: Help I dropped a coin in the toilet come and get it out.
Me (looks): I can’t see anything in there.
3: That’s because I flushed.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force