I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
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* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
hear me out : pockets for your socks
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime