Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
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In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF