@gerryhallcomedy

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

@gerryhallcomedy

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

@gerryhallcomedy

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

@gerryhallcomedy

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

@gerryhallcomedy

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

@gerryhallcomedy

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

@gerryhallcomedy

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

@gerryhallcomedy

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

@gerryhallcomedy

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

@gerryhallcomedy

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?