Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
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Have a lovely day 😊
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I hope they boil the right one.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
huge if true: the moon
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
こいつ天才
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?