Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
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Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce