*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
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I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Feels
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.