“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
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Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*