“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
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ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
me, after any kind of buffet.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Duolingo getting serious.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.