People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
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I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them