Priest: What is your name?
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
*takes his temperature*
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.