@girl_a_whirl [during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
@girl_a_whirl @girl_a_whirl [speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
@girl_a_whirl My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
@girl_a_whirl The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
@girl_a_whirl My husband can’t tell if the dishwasher is clean or dirty but anytime I pull out one of his tools, he’s right there to TED talk me through it.
@girl_a_whirl If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
@girl_a_whirl I only treason on days ending in y
@girl_a_whirl Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
@girl_a_whirl I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
@girl_a_whirl As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.