@girl_a_whirl: I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

@girl_a_whirl: As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.

@girl_a_whirl: Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

@girl_a_whirl: *Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

@girl_a_whirl: If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

@girl_a_whirl: Oh I can't, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

@girl_a_whirl: *comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe...who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe...only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

@girl_a_whirl: Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

@girl_a_whirl: Daughter: Mom! I'm bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we're going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can't you just admit you don't like him
Me: So naked