me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
*takes his temperature*
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
My husband can’t tell if the dishwasher is clean or dirty but anytime I pull out one of his tools, he’s right there to TED talk me through it.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I only treason on days ending in y
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.