@girl_a_whirl

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

@girl_a_whirl

Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind

Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?

Whitesnake: Not you

@girl_a_whirl

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

@girl_a_whirl

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

@girl_a_whirl

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

@girl_a_whirl

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

@girl_a_whirl

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

@girl_a_whirl

The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.