Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I only treason on days ending in y
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?