It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs