Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@girlnarly : me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
@girlnarly: the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
@girlnarly: me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
@girlnarly: boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
@girlnarly: in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
@girlnarly: [driving test]
me: *doing donuts*
instructor: what the hell?!
me: i thought i saw a cop
@girlnarly: him: you should really take something for your kleptomania
me: ok *steals the tv*
@girlnarly: [first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
@girlnarly: [ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
@girlnarly: tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
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