him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
me: *doing donuts*
instructor: what the hell?!
me: i thought i saw a cop
him: you should really take something for your kleptomania
me: ok *steals the tv*
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?